It was my intent to be more consistent with posting on the blog, if for no other reason than to give myself a little discipline and structure in my life. So much has gone on and I'm not where I thought I would be when I made the resolution. For one thing, my partner was treated for cancer and he is in the midst of recovery. It's slow and he has days when he doesn't do well at all. I am fearful he won't get better as fast as he could. There are days when he won't eat, partly because eating doesn't appeal to him much since he has the feeding tube. Some days he sleeps most of the day and I am left watching and trying to find quiet things to do.
So the house stays untidy but mostly clean. Laundry is always done so we don't have piles of smelly sheets, clothes and the dread sock. (Never two but generally one) The cat boxes get changed and I haphazardly try to eat sensibly but fail. But the house smells stale and I wear odd bits of mismatched clothing because I don't care. I see people seldom (more when I had chemo and much less now) I have a few friends who make a point of seeing me once a month so I'm not totally bereft of human contact. I see the poor clerks at the store and talk their ears off. I feel older and stodgy.
I found he is not a good patient and I am not a good caregiver. I get impatient when he won't do things. He won't take medicine if he thinks it won't taste good or he thinks it won't help. It must be immediate (never is) and should be easy to take (often it's not). I make food at his request only to find he doesn't really want it after I make it. So my patience gets worn thin and I snap at him. He says I'm fine but I really want to think of myself as Florence Nightingale - one touch and he's healed. It's not realistic and I know it but the thought lingers.
When I had my treatment I was a better patient. (Of course to be fair it was a different chemo and NO radiation) He was a much better caregiver. I do my best and he knows.
But that why February's entry is not here. I will post two for March and one will be a little more upbeat.